Cock-Blocking and Boner-Killing
by Cresentgenisi
Summary: Two Shot: A cross guild competition leads our favorite pairings to a secluded resort in the north where a new competition between the teams arises in the bedroom. Natsu and Lucy have figured out a way to cock block all other couples but will it lead them to growing closer? (Warning: More Humor less Smut).
1. Chapter 1

**Two Shot Story: Cock-Blocking and Boner-Killing**

 _Warning : Honestly... If the title didn't scare you away there is really nothing I could warn you about._

* * *

 **First Shot: Cock-Blocking**

"Hope you enjoy your vacation at Iceberg Royal Accommodations where you are always welcomed home."

The clerk smiled, handing Lucy a keycard. The blonde arched a brow at the cliché motto for the hotel where her and Natsu were staying. The two were on a mission, which promised to be their most outrageous and random yet. Sorcerer Weekly had paired different teams up in a scavenger hunt that would encompensate the entire Ishgar realm.

The ten partnered competitors chosen were: _Wendy – Chelia;_ _Sting – Rogue;_ _Natsu – Lucy;,_ _Laxus – Freed;_ _Lyon – Gray;_ _Mira – Elfman;_ _Gajeel – Juvia;_ _Cana – Bacchus;_ _Minerva – Yukino;_ _Kagura – Erza._

Natsu and Lucy's first item was the feather of a bird that lived high atop the peaks of Vasilissa, a mountain range in Pergrande. After traveling all morning on a train through Se-Ven, they had marched across white hills to a small mining village in Iceberg. Natsu had grumbled that the whole area reeked of ice magic. He had been a pain in the ass all day from the motion sickness on the train to later his constant complaints about the weather. Just as the sun was setting, Lucy finally lost it, demanding they both needed a break from being outside by acquiring a local room for the night.

Honestly, the celestial mage was happy when he agreed, having no wish to camp in the snow.

"Now where did he go?" The girl glanced around, wishing she had a slayer's nose to track him when she discovered her partner missing. Sighing deeply, Lucy grabbed her pink suitcase noticing that Natsu's backpack had disappeared with him. The blonde mage headed toward the cafeteria thinking he would be hungry after their travel and attracted to whatever they were cooking in there. Sweeping her eyes around the diners, she could not find a trace of anyone with pink hair, much less a male with spikey pink hair.

"Where is he? I want to take a bath!" She frowned around the hotel. Tourists noticing her dark look kept their distance from her. She unzipped her fur trimmed purple parka before shrugging it off. Between the warmth of the room and her newfound spark of anger, she was getting hot.

Suddenly, the blonde heard from somewhere in the direction of the pool, "Lug Nuts! Ice Dick! Are you stalking us?!"

Gray's voice rose as he scoffed, "Please. As if we would ever stalk your ass. We are here for the feather of Vasilissa."

Natsu shouted indignant, "Come to steal our items? I knew you were dishonest but this is a new low!"

"Fancy accusations. Quit your whining Salamander and fight me." Gajeel roared before the sounds of bodies hitting echoed over through the room. The crowd began to scatter as people found reasons to leave the lobby or dive for cover.

Lucy groaned, knowing from experience where those words would lead. Walking forward with a tilt of her head, she followed the sound of her partner's voice. Finally, she discovered him in a three way brawl with Gajeel and Gray in an enclosed pool area made of glass. Or ice. Lucy was not sure which since it wasn't melting, but she sensed a power similar to Gray's.

Slightly ducking as a pool net was thrown like a javelin toward the door, she was tempted to start yelling at them, but stopped seeing a pack of girls gathering around the pool's edge, no doubt because two out of the three boys had their shirts off.

 _Those idiots better be glad, Erza is not around_ , the girl thought folding her arms over her chest as her eyebrows furrowed in confusion. This was a normal occurrence for the three but she was surprised they were here. Gajeel and Gray should be searching for their own items. According to the rules of the game, the first item was different for every group. Then after that each treasures on the list was fair game for the remainder of the hunt. She grew sick with worry at the thought that Gray and Gajeel might have already found their first item and were now onto their second. With her deep pondering over the appearance of her guildmates, Lucy failed to see a certain small, blue-haired girl sneak up on her until she cried, "Lu-chan!"

Panicking, the blonde turned to see her friend smiling with Pantherlily in her arms. Levy wore a cute orange swimsuit with a yellow cover up tied to her side. Lucy was going to have to ask where she got her sandals too when she got done being shocked.

"What are you doing here?" Lucy racked her brain trying to remember if someone had mentioned to her that all the teams would be visiting this hotel, but then she remembered that Levy was not on a team.

Lips curving into a sneaky grin, Levy announced excitedly, "We are here to cheer Juvia and Gajeel on." Her eyes danced as she rubbed the exceed's head before he jumped off.

"My brain needs a rest. See you Levy." The cat waved before trotting off.

"What's his deal? He didn't want to talk to me?" Lucy asked. Lily was normally friendly even if he could be a bit serious at times.

Levy blushed scarlet then pouted prettily before replying, "He's kind of grouchy. Not enough sleep."

Before Lucy could question her further, she noticed that Gajeel's partner was missing. "Wait a second! Where is Juvia? Wait. Are you here to help them? Did Juvia split up so they could cover more ground? Is someone like Meredy helping her?"

"Nooo! We are here to cheer them on ONLY!" The solid script mage vocalized a bit too adamantly. Adding to her denial, Levy said, "Your imagination is too OP at times, Lu."

Some uncertainness crept into her brain, as Lucy eyed Levy who looked away. Lucy paused, wondering if it was guilt. Then she stated "Good thing, Levy, cuz otherwise that would be shady. And with Pantherlily here. That's practically cheating to have quick transport. It's why we couldn't bring Happy." According to the rules, only the chosen partner was allowed to help - much to Happy's annoyance. The only thing that got him to stop crying was the promise of fish and the fact that he would be alone with Charla all week.

"So is Juvia here?"

In answer to Lucy's question, the water mage in her water form rained down from an upper balcony. Lucy leaped away to keep from gettting splashed as the girl contorted and solidified into her human body that was clad in a stylish purple bikini.

"Hey girl," Lucy addressed the pale skin girl, "I was wondering where you were."

"Juvia was waiting to leap down and save her love's swimming trunks when he takes them off."

"How sure are you that he will lose his swim trunks?"

Levy coughed, "Lucy, it's Gray. The clothes that aren't attached... Always come off."

"Oh, Right" And sure enough, not five seconds later, a pair of shorts landed in the pool.

Normally, Lucy would have remember that Gray always ends up naked, but at that moment she had noticed Natsu take off his jacket and vest. Then the boy shucked off his pants, diving into the pool in only his boxers!

Levy saw Lucy gapping at him. Deciding to tease her friend, Levy said, "You better close your mouth before flies come."

Snapping her lips shut, Lucy spun around red-faced. Apparently stripping is contagious. Of course in the fire dragon slayer's mind, it was probably the same as swimming trunks and he wanted to be more like the other two who were prepared for swimming. The water began to bubble before shooting Gray's trunks toward Juvia.

"Gray-sama. Juvia has save your clothes!"

"Thanks Juvia. You're the best." Gray praised making her almost faint as he dodged Gajeel's knee before getting smacked by Natsu's fist.

"Juvia does not want thanks. Juvia wants you to put them back on." Juvia frowned before turning a crazy face to the crowd of teenage girls surrounded the pool, "You will not look at Juvia's Gray-sama unless you want to d..." The girl did not have to finish her sentence before all the non fairy tail members cleared the area.

"Now Juvia is happy. You may carry on Gray sama." She waved joyfully before snapped a dangerous look toward Lucy and Levy, "As long as love rivals are not watching Gray-sama."

Levy chucked, flashing her engagement ring. "I have Gajeel. You know that."

"What about my original Love Rival?" Juvia turning her attention to Lucy who shuddered. Levy said, "You better tell her you have Natsu, Lucy,"

"But I don't have Natsu. We are just friends. "

"He likes you though." Levy pointed nonchalantly, as she told the blonde in front of her exactly what everyone knew in the guild.

"And you like him."

Lucy vehemently denied as she became stuttering mess. The two blunettes just laughed at her predicament. In a huff, Lucy started to go interrupt the boys when ice shards unexpectedly covered them. Someone behind them placed an ice shield around them as metal, ice, and fire exploded.

"He's much too hotheaded to be an ice wizard" came a low masculine voice.

Lucy gasped, "Lyon?!"

Juvia froze before spinning around. Even as Levy and Lucy went to him to give their thanks to the newcomer, Juvia hung back. Lyon nodded in greeting but his eyes were focused on the water mage."I do not know what the organizers thought putting me in a partnership with Gray. I much would prefer being in a group with my sweet Juvia."

The dark haired ice mage must have heard from across the room. He stopped fighting long enough to curse at Lyon to back off. Lyon smirked, "She isn't your partner, Gray. She's Gajeel's."

Gray jumped over Natsu to order Gajeel to make Lyon stopped. Gajeel sighed in response as he smashed Gray's face before Natsu used the opening to kicked the other dragon slayer in the side. Gray used his fist to knock Natsu away before his head was caught in a lock by Gajeel. Natsu the used his leg to sweep both of them into the pool.

Gajeel shouted, "Rain woman is an adult. She can tell him no if she doesn't want it."

And that is pretty much how the evening went much to Lucy's chargin. The three fairy tail boys battling It out while while Gray kept trying to fight Lyon on the side over Juvia.

At supper, Juvia eventually almost flooded the hotel with her tears until Lucy suggested everyone to retire to their rooms. She caught Natsu who was distracted by a pie eating contest at the buffet with Gajeel.

Using his scarf like a dog leash, Lucy dragged him up the stairs.

"But Lussshhiii! I was winning!" The boy argued causing Lucy to let out an exasperated sigh.

"No you weren't. All of you have been one inch from destroying the hotel all night, meaning we would have to pay. And that means... NOBODY WINS!" Natsu gulped at Lucy's scary face before she pushed him into their room and slammed the door.

Lucy gawked like a fish out of water at the one and only bed in the center of the room, letting go of her best friend who immediately to the eating the room's complementary chocolates.

There wasn't couch or a cushion in sight.

She rolled her eyes at her ever increasing bad luck. They would have to share, which was not strange at this point, but damn she never slept well next to Natsu. She always spent the whole night chronically worrying over not jumping him in her sleep. Thus it usually ended with her being exhausted and moody the next morning while Mr. Fire-Dragon-Bubble-Gum-Hair-Slayer would sleep like a baby and be "all fired up" once morning came.

Obseving that Nasu was bouncing, she snatched the sweets away from him.

"No!"

He sulked toward the bed. Lucy was left to put the suitcases up. After a few moments of no talking, Lucy inquired if he wanted to take a bath first or second.

"Let me piss and then it is all yours. Otherwise I may not get in there tonight. You take so long."

"That's fine with me. I'll be sure to take a few extra minutes knowing you are out here." Lucy joked but then when Natsu smiled evil closing the door, she yelled, "But don't you dare take a dump! I would hate to have to bath after you stink up the place."

The boy cackled from the bathroom. Pretty quickly he was out, and Lucy was in. Thankfully, he had not stunk the room up and allowed her to shower in peace. No bursting inside unexpectedly to spook her. No teasing through the closed doorway.

After dressing in a pink t shirt with no bra and blue pajama short and fluffy polka dot socks, the girl exited. Natsu then dashed into the bathroom. Lucy was amazed he had not fell asleep waiting for her to get out. She exhaled when the door closed.

Lucy lay on her bed but could not sleep. She rolled before growing completely bored.

"Guess I will read." She dug in her suitcase for a book as turned off his shower. She curled up leaning on the headboard of the bed while reading. Her hearing caught the telltale signs of him brushing his teeth. She had not even managed to read one chapter before Natsu was out.

"That was fast." She told him as he fell face first beside her. He rotated his head to peep an eye at her.

"Wasn't dirty?"

She pretended to sniff him, "Nah you are dirty. Try again."

The blonde had to be careful with her teasing. Otherwise she could rile him up and then he would get playful.

"Want to wrest Lucy?" Natsu pushed himself up on his forearm, scowling at her dangerously.

"Whats wrong?"

Natsu grabbed her to his chest. She squeaked not really sure what had caused his change in mood. At least he was not bare chest as he was earlier. Right now he was doing good in his white tee and a fresh pair of boxers. Lots of times he would sleep shirtless which caused too much sexual tension to rise up in her body. Although if he kept holding her next to his body. She would NOT be responsible for any ripping of said shirt or shorts.

He pushed her laughing. "You should have seen your face?!"

Lucy's eyebrow twitched as her body fought the urge to slap him.

"Ready for bed?"

"I am but you can stay up to read." He scurried under the covers like a rat.

"I'm good." Lucy clicked the lamp off, allowing the darkness to consume the room.

Trying not to disturb the quiet setting, she whispered, "It is better to go on to sleep so we can be up and out of here before our competition."

The two lay beside each other with only the sound of their breathing and the distance noise of slot machines from the casino as their lullaby. Lucy should have not really been phased, but she was very aware of his body next to hers, only hoping he could not hear her heart trying to beat out of her chest. Thinking about ways to get him off her mind, she imagined Master Makarov in speedo. Then ichiya in a thong. Nothing worked.

Instead she almost laughed.

"What's wrong Lucy?" He asked in a voice slightly deep from sleep. Her body wanted to purr in pleasure from the sexy at the sexy twang.

"N-nothing. Sorry for disturbing you."

Soon his breath became more even as he started to go to sleep, oblivious to the turmoil in Lucy.

She should have just read her book until he fell asleep. All she wanted to do was roll on top of him, hopefully waking him up in the process. The mage imagined him staring up at her in sleepy confusion before Lucy would cup his face and proceed to kiss him - even though she had no idea how to kiss anyone.

Lost in her imagination, she was unaware that he had not truly fallen to sleep. The boy bolted up, startling her from her thoughts. He reached over her, partially straddling her chest as he fumbled, trying to turn the lights on.

When the lamp came on, she saw his face blushed crimson.

"What's wrong Natsu?" Lucy asked, quickly thinking back to if she had done something to him, but no she had remained on her side of the bed.

"Shh!" He covered her mouth, still sitting on top of her, as he trained his ears upward as if listening to something. The room was quiet except for her breath echoing back into her face from his hand. She swore it sounded like Darth Vadar. She made angry sounds of protest from her throat, but he just kept telling her to shush. Annoyed, she relaxed until he was ready to pull his hand away.

"Gross!" The boy howled before hopping over and burying his head under a pillow, releasing the celestial wizard's face.

"What?" Lucy repeated, now that she could talk.

"Be thankful you don't hear it." Was his mysterious remark.

She watched him in question but he did not notice her expression because he was hiding. After a few moments of silence, he still did not add anything.

Lucy seized her pillow, hitting his body. "What do you mean? Natsuuuuu answer me?"

He snored loudly.

"You aren't asleep that fast! And if you were then wake up!" She hit him again.

He pointed to the wall, not even bothering to defend herself to his attacks.

"Go listen!"

"Huh?"

"Put your ear to the wall."

Now the girl understood that the boy's oversensitive hearing was catching something probably happening in the next room. Lucy tiptoed to the wall before pushing her hair sideways and eavesdropping.

At first there was nothing, until she began to detect low moans. Then she heard a thump before Levy's voice shouted.

Rearing back, Lucy gulped, "Natsu! What's going on? Is Levy being attacked? Is it an enemy?"

A rude noise came from the slayer still buried under her pillows and sheets. His muffled reply came after a few moments. Lucy had the distinct impression that he was trying hard not to laugh.

"You could say it is a type of attack, but not an enemy. Well not on most days."

Suddenly she heard a "Shhhh!" from inside the room where Levy was.

Lucy pressed her ear to the wall, hearing another, more gruff, voice say, "You're being too loud, shrimp. Am I going to have cover that dirty mouth of yours?"

 _ **The fuck?**_

"Gajeel is in there with her?" Lucy wheezed completely scandalized that Levy - sweet, innocent Levy - was having her mind blown by crabby Gajeel. Now Natsu's reaction made complete sense.

"Be thankful you can't hear it as loud and clearly as me." Natsu gripped.

"But he'll hurt her. She's so tiny." Lucy's breath catches in her throat. Of course, Levy's private affairs were none of her business, but she did not want her doing something unhealthy.

The covers were thrown off as Natsu arose from the bed. "I was thinking the same thing Lucy. How does something so big fit into something so small. Unless Gajeel isn't really that big."

The said man bellowed defensively from the other room, "Wouldn't you like to know, Salamander?"

Natsu yelled back, "No matter how big you are, I will always be bigger!"

Too which they heard a slap and an angry Levy scream, "Gajeel! Ignore Natsu and aim properly!"

The pink haired slayer started sniggering uncontrollably. Amusement swirled in his eyes as he chortled, "Missed your hole, MetalHead?"

Lucy facepalmed with a "too much information" remark.

"Bite me, FlameforBrains."

The pinkette smirked, "Nah. That's Levy's job."

Levy shrieked.

"Lucy! Punch Natsu for me."

So like a good friend, Lucy punched Natsu who immediately turned his dragon slanted eyes toward her. Pretending to be mad, he complained, "Hey Lucy, why you take her side?"

Smirking good naturedly, she replied with "Chicks before Dicks."

Before Natsu could comment on that , Lucy had an idea.

"Maybe we can change rooms. It's kind of weird being stuck in the hotel room next to Levy and Gajeel having se... Uh. Wait, I don't want to think of that either. Let me just call."

"Yes please. I can't sleep with them going at it over there." Natsu held his stomach as if he was about to puke.

Lucy went for phone ready to call the desk when a scream came from the opposite side of the room. The girl dropped grabbed her keys, expecting an attack since this was not from the same direction as the two love birds.

Natsu moaned, throwing his legs off the side of the bed. He buried his face in his hands.

"What is happening now?" The blonde moved to her partner as he whimpered. Rubbing his back, she cried to comfort him until he grabbed Lucy's hands, pulling her toward the window, "We need to run away. How about camping on top of the mountain tonight?"

"And leave a warm room with a comfy bed? No."

Another scream sounded from the room that was definitely not Levy's.

"Natsu please tell me another couple is NOT mating like rabbits in the other room next to us."

"Fine, I won't"

"Natsu?!"

Natsu nodded weakly, "Do you know who it is?"

The dragon slayer groaned, "If Gajeel and Levy are in that room, where do you think Gajeel's partner is."

Lucy immediately thought of Juvia. Her eyes grew large with her shocked replied, "With Gray?"

"Well that's two thirds of the party that is going on in there."

"Two thirds?" Lucy didn't understand what he meant.

"Where do you think Gray's partner is?"

"Wait."

 _Two-thirds? Partner?_

"What?"

"Lyon's in there too."

"WHAT?!" Lucy gasped scandalized for the second time in under five minutes

"You mean a threesome?"

"Sounds like it." Natsu started choking, "And now I am smelling the scents coming from Ice Princess 1.0 and 2.0 plus MetalFace's sour aroma. This is worse than motion sickness. Would pick a vehicle over this any day. Ugh!" The boy fell to his knees, dragging Lucy down to the floor as well.

"Plus the phermones coming from Levy and Juvia are not what I want to be smelling. Please Lucy, save me!" Natsu hugged her pressing his face in-between her breasts and taking a big sniff.

Lucy squealed, "Natsu what are you doing?"

"Your scent is the only thing combating their putrid odors." His voice muffled by her shirt. She stopped herself hugging him. All she really wanted to do was relax and cuddle with him.

"Now you are starting to sound like Ichiya" She said instead, but an idea popped into Lucy's head. A grin of pure wickedness covered her face.

"Well do you think we could get them to stop?"

"How?" He begged desperately, grabbing her words as a life line.

"What if we started doing it too, and they got grossed out enough to stop."

Natsu didn't answer for the longest time before he pulled back staring hard at Lucy.

"Lucy, are you asking to have sex with me?"

She froze while replaying her words in her head. Jerking away from him, she shrieked, "NOOO! I was meaning we pretend. Like moan and thump around the room."

Natsu for a second looked disappointed... _the pervert._ But then he snorted, "Gajeel would know its fake. He won't be able to smell us."

"But will he be thinking that if he is caught up in Levy's scent?"

"Good point. It might actually work."

"Yea; We should." The two high fived, before Lucy declared, "Operation: Cock-Blocking has commenced!"

 **Next Shot: Boner-Killing**

* * *

 **AN** : If the title didn't give it away, this two shot is a bit of randomness from the weird part of my mind - a place not ventured very often. Or maybe I visit it too often? Hope you get entertained at my jokes. A little nervous at the reception for posting this. It was a short funny I sent my friends a couple of years ago, who thought it hilarious. You can probably tell that some of the references are a bit old. Instead of deleting it (as I probably should have), I expanded it and put it on here. The Ending = The punchline and best part of this. Part 2 is much funnier than the first shot. As Gray, Lyon, Gajeel, and Natsu see who can make their girl louder. Will Gray and Gajeel figure out Natsu and Lucy are faking it? Lemons are expected but the ending will be shocking with who wins. I am laughing just thinking about it. You will never see it coming.

 **Sneak peak** : _Gajeel listened to the panting in the next room as he pounded away behind Levy. C_ _huckling malevolently, he mumbled,_ _"So Salamander thinks this is a competition eh?"_

 _He paused when he heard a light scream that seemed to be muffled out._

 _"But shrimps can scream louder than Bunnies_


	2. Omake

**Announcement: This is not the second shot.** This is actually explaining about Gray x Juvia x Lyon with some Nalu and Gajevy thrown in. I thought about adding it to the first shot but thought people might miss that. The punchline for this story is still in the next shot ^_^

 _Warnings: Minor Lemon and mature dialogue_

* * *

 ** _Omake 1.5_**

 ** _Twenty_** ** _minutes before Natsu and Lucy planned to crush their friend's sex lives..._**

Juvia stared out the balcony window at the Aurora lights surrounding the frozen landscape - an unimaginable image of serene beauty. No one would guess the hidden turmoil in Juvia's soul. The brightly colored swirling lights in the night sky were named for the goddess of dawn and the first morning dew. Aurora was a goddess who fell in love with the mortal Tithonus. Wanting to be with her lover for all eternity, she asked Jupiter to turn him immortal. In punishment for her insolence, the king of gods gave immortality without eternal youth. Her lover became an immortal old man until she turned him into a tree that was eventually cut down. Stories say that her ghost wanders the earth every morning but her tears still fall for her lost lover, which is why dew can be found on the ground. The lights are the flashes of her chariot along with Apollo's as they circle the earth.

A tear fell as she thought of the beauty of the goddess's love for her human.

"Ugh! Why are you crying?" Gray shouted behind her, making her jump.

"Gray-sama! It's so romantic! The dancing lights and the snow reminds Juvia of our love." Juvia wepted.

Lyon quickly darted across the room to wrap an arm around Juvia. "Gray is much too hot-headed to remind you of snow. I, on the other hand, am the perfect embodiment of this frozen scen…"

Gray smashed Lyon's face into the glass.

"You were saying?" Gray snorted. Lyon rubbed his jaw as a vein above his left eyebrow began to pulse. He leaped upwards, ready to smack Gray around, but instead he closed his eyes. Once Lyon separated his thoughts his expression changed to one of utter boredom. "Now Gray. Why would you interrupt me as I comforted the lovely Juvia?"

"Because nobody has time for that." Gray strolled across the room before falling on a cushion next to the coffee table.

Lyon looked down in aggravation at the most perfect woman in the world drooling over his archnemesis. Juvia practically skipped toward Gray before sitting on her own cushion.

So like any good friend, Lyon decided to manipulate the two. _Because isn't that what friends do?_

"Let's play a game."

Gray raised an eyebrow suspiciously. Lyon gave his best innocent, poker face. "Truth-or-dare. We each come up with a variety of truth of dares before the game begins. Put them in hats. One for truth. One for dare. The more ridiculous, the better. "

"But don't we need more people for that to be fun?"

"No necessarily. There are three of us. And we can still have fun. Unless you are scared?"

"Gray-sama is not scared of anything." Juvia interrupted flatly before sipping her tea. She turned a sharp eye toward Lyon over her steaming cup. Gray sighed, feeling forced into a no win situation.

In the end, they all decided to play. The dark haired ice mage grumbled even as he wrote out five truth-or-dares just like Lyon and Juvia. To make good sport of the game, Gray went first pulling from the dare cap.

With the folded piece of paper in his hands, he quickly scanned the words…

 _Make out with someone to your right_

Gray glance to his right before blanching at Lyon.

"Oh fuck my life." Gray groaned, covering his face. Juvia snatched the paper before reading it out loud. Blushing she stared between the two before asking, "Is this the famous boy love?"

Lyon and Gray declared in unison, "I can't do it." Glaring at each other, the two rivals yelled, "I said I wouldn't do it. You can't copy me."

Gray, annoyed at the situation, asked, "What are you Natsu now?"

"I do not want to press my lips to something lower than swine food while the lovely Juvia is present."

"What did you say? Swine food. Who even makes an insult like this?"

"Even if Gray is swine food, Juvia would still eat Gray!" Juvia shouted.

The dark haired boy sighed, "Thanks Juvia. That really a complement."

"Oh come on. There is more fun if you actually do the dare." Juvia smiled.

"Pffff course, you would like it."

"What if I sat between you to help you?"

Immediately, Lyon hit his fist against the table with a loud, "Yes!"

Gray shook his head, "No."

Juvia's eyes glistened Kneeling down with her hands clasped in a prayer gesture, she pleaded, "Please. We can't continue the game until you do."

Lyon grabbed Gray and gave him a loud smack on the lips.

"What the fuck?!" Gray coughed as Juvia giggled. The white haired ice mage shrugged. "It wasn't that bad."

Juvia smirked at Lyon. "That was not a true make-out session, Lyon-sama, but Juvia will let it slide." Gray briefly wondered why Juvia didn't consider Lyon a love rival. If anyone else had done that, from Natsu to Lucy, she would have been ten shades of angry.

"Sit for the rest of the game on your true love's lap!" Juvia gave a squeal of happiness before jumping into Gray. He yelped as her weight squashed his balls.

"Your dare did not say that!"

She shoved her note into his face. Sure enough, the words were written boldly against the paper.

"This game is rigged! I am not sure how you two did it." He complained while Juvia scooted to find a comfortable spot. Simulatenously her shifting started causing blood to rush into that part of Gray's body.

"Juvia…."

"Yes?"

"Never mind." If she didn't notice, what was happening down south then he was not going to tell her.

Lyon picked a paper then. "Get Gray a coke. Really?"

Gray shrugged, "What? I'm thirsty."

"I'm thirsty too but not for the same thing." The white haired wizard smirked at the water mage making Gray want to puke.

"Juvia can provide water but she can't provide coke." Juvia took their tea cups and began stripping down to pour boob water into their glass. Lyon seemed happy to drink anything she offered. Gray jumped, covering her. "Don't strip!"

"Why? Gray-sama and Lyon are both in their boxers."

The two glanced down at their lack of clothes. "WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?!"

"Juvia forgot to tell you because she was enjoying the view too much. Plus Juvia likes sitting on Gray when he is in his underwear. She can feel his boner more pronounced."

The two guys both sweated at this comment.

Lyon sighed as he shuffled toward the door. "Let's continue to play when I get back." He stopped, eyeing Gray. Then Lyon walked back, hauling Gray over his shoulder before leaving again.

Gray screamed, "What the hell do you think you are doing?"

"I am not leaving you with Juvia."

"HEY! That is not in the rules!"

Lyon and Gray continued to argue down the hall as they passed a fuming Lucy dragging a pouting Natsu.

* * *

Natsu jumped in the shower as Lucy grabbed a book. At first he was going to take a nice long shower but the next room's door slammed, as Levy stomped into her room followed by what Natsu could tell was Gajeel's clunky footsteps.

"I'm going to bed. You sleep on the couch."

"But Shrimp!"

"Gajeel! I can't believe you ate the silverware at the buffet!" Natsu thought he could hear Levy swatting Gajeel's hands.

"Ah!" The pierced man complained, "Don't be like that!

With a "humph," the girl moved toward her bedroom, but something stopped her. Natsu imagined Gajeel blocked her path.

The pink haired boy started scrubbing himself furiously. He needed to get out of the bathroom soon.

* * *

 _Meanwhile in Gajeel's room..._

"How can I make it up to you?" The big man pleaded as he rubbed her hip. Levy slapped his hand away again as she danced away from his hug.

"You were so out of control. Now we have to pay for that. I thought you were practicing restraint."

"I have restraint.

"From what? You fought Natsu. You fought Gray. With magic, might I add. You ate hotel property. What were you restraining? Your stomach at the buffet?"

The shaggy haired iron user was about to retort when Levy began to shimmy out her dress. His thoughts promptly scattered when she sat on the bed to take off her stockings. He gulped when she pulled the garment off one leg, tossing it to the side.

"I think I have perfect restraint." He muttered.

"Really?" The bluenette scoffed as she rolled over - one stocking on and the other off.

Gajeel smiled with a bit of fang as he started stalking Levy. She leaned back, realizing his intentions. "Now Gajeel. We said there would be no funny business on this trip."

"You should have thought about that before stripping in my presence." She threw him a glare as he grabbed her with one arm pulling her to him. He kissed her deeply on the mouth. In reply, she crossed her arms, "I am still mad at you."

"That's ok because angry makeup sex is the best." He threw her on the bed, kissing her calve slow and tender. Levy sighed as his mouth worked its way up her leg - nibbling and teasing. When he reached the string of her blue thong, he pulled it off with his teeth and a growl.

"Gajeel. I don't want sweet. I want my big angry dragon."

* * *

Natsu jumped out, putting on a white tee and a pair of boxers. He was not sure if he should be creeped out by his friends or happy for them. In his room, Lucy was stretched on the bed with a book half open, daydreaming at a wall.

The blonde turned to him with a grumble, "You are out fast."

"Wasn't' dirty."

She sniffed toward him as he climbed into bed. "Nah, you are dirty. Try again."

His look darkened at her teasing, scowling malevolently he asked, "Want to wrestle Lucy?"

He grabbed his best friend causing her to squeal as he tried to ignore whatever was going on in Metal Face's room. Good thing Lucy made an excellent distraction for him.

* * *

Gray returned to his own hotel room slightly miffed. Lyon was just behind him trying to pick a fight.

"You know, you can't satisfy Juvia like I could. You just aren't emotionally as involved as me. If you two did become lovers, it would just be sex for you as you don't have any feeling for her."

The darker headed mage growled as he reached for the door. "You better shut your damn mouth before we enter here. I don't care about your bullshit so much when we are alone but if you so much as say something like that to Juvia. I will personally separate all your appendages from your body."

Lyon smiled. "I almost would assume you are jealous."

"I am not! I don't even know why you care so much. She's a sweet beautiful girl but she's mildly insange."

"That's part of the appeal. Why would you settle for someone ordinary when you can have something extraordinary?"

Lyon left Gray as he reached passed him to open the door. Gray stared at Juvia who had her legs folded under herself on the couch. Lyon immediately went to her side. He said taking her hand, "You deserve to have men grovel at your feet."

"Wh-what?" Juvia stammered while blushing.

"What the hell are you doing?" Gray seethed strolling in and slamming the door. His hands clenched at his sides. Juvia flushed before her eyes sought his. He dodged the hopeful question he saw there by ducking and drinking his coke.

Lyon asked, "May I kiss you. If you say no I will understand. But I don't think you ever have been kissed by someone who was overwhelmingly in love with you. If you don't you can back out. I won't be offended. And if you do not like it, I understand. I know you would prefer to have this moment with Gray."

Juvia's eyes darted again to the other male giving her a frown. She stared down at her lap before sayjng "Juvia will also take the plunge and kiss Lyon. If Gray sama does not object" She wanted to make Gray jealous. But she also kind of liked the idea of being chased instead of doing the chasing, even though she did not like Lyon that way. His words made her strangely pleased.

Lyon started to lean toward her. The room began to drizzle rain from Juvia's nerves. His lips hovered over hers for a moments hesitant, giving Gray ample opportunity to interrupt before Lyon began to kiss Juvia.

Gray's heart fell into his stomach at the sight of Juvia kissing his friend.

A cold sweat broke out on his forehead as Lyon reached up to thread his fingers in Juvia's blue locks hair before knocking her cap off.

Gray moved like lightening. One second the two were together. The next he was between them, Juvia shoved into his side. Her ass pressed against his thigh.

"G-Gray?"

"Juvi..." Gray whispered into her hair as Lyon stood up to pull Juvia toward him. The two boy's faces were so close together. Lyon snarled, "You can't finish something that I start Gray."

"I think I can" He glared at the other guy. Juvia squashed between them. Gray was mildly shocked at how well Juvia's body fit to his.

"The three of us" Lyon tuned Juvia around so she was facing Gray. Her forehead hitting his chin as Lyon buried his own face in her hair. "Fit together so kiss her Gray." Lyon demanded.

Gray glanced downward at her before pressing his lips to hers brutally. She sighed dreamily, allowing his tongue to enter. Lyon meanwhile started to nuzzle her head before biting her ear between his teeth.

The combo was too much for Juvia. Gray swallowed her moan as Lyon moved down to bury his face in her neck, to give a hesitant lick. She rubbed her body against the two men, both men in their underwear.

The room was still drizzling but Lyon and gray's magic started to drop the droplets into ice.

The frozen water settled over the interior causing it to sparkle but none of the three noticed.

Juvia instantly shivered when Gray began to unbutton her dress, underneath was still her bikini from earlier. Lyon pulled a strap off, placing a kiss where her tan line was before following it with his mouth. The other boy, not to be out done, untied the strings at her hips. He then saw her perfect nipples harden before he put it into his mouth giving it an experimental suck at the same time that Lyon bit her neck. Juvia had been cold but now the girl was warmed from being close to the two males. And from what their mouths and hands were doing to her body.

It was an interesting feeling to be both cold and hot at true same time.

* * *

Natsu bolted up in bed as the sounds from both rooms grew loud enough to disturb his sleep.

He knew Gajeel and Levy were having sex, but now it seemed Baskin Robbins and BlueBell were getting their freaks on with Juvia.

He straddled Lucy, fumbling for the light switch on the vanity, momentarily forgetting he could create fire. He barely managed to bite back a gag.

"Natsu? What's wrong?" She, of course, was worried at his strange behavior.

He covered her mouth with his hand as he focused on the smells and sounds. Her lips moved against his hands as angry mumblings tumbled from her throat. He shushed her.

"Gross!" Natsu yelled before diving to his side of the bed and burying his head under a pillow. Lucy would not leave him alone though. She wanted to know why he was acting strangely.

 _Ignorance is such fucking bliss._

* * *

 **Next Shot: Boner Killing**


	3. Chapter 2

_Warning: Honestly this is a story about cock blocking. Read at your own risk._

 **Shot Two: Boner-Killing**

Natsu groaned, "So how are we going to do this?" He grabbed Lucy's hands, clapping them in a childish manner as she thought.

"Well I haven't completely… Natsu stop doing that!"

"What?" He grinned as he continued to pop her hands together. She snatched them back, rubbing the sore skin before scrunching her nose, distastefully. "I don't really know for sure what to do."

"Let's start with this." Natsu bellowed jumping up, ripping off his shirt. He spun the shirt in his hands before snapping it toward her legs.

The blonde squeaked when it hit, too slow to defend. Falling back on the bed, Lucy tucked her legs under herself, acquiring a headpillow as a shield. The fire mage grinned at his target, lining the shirt up for another shot. Her complexion turned ruddy as she exclaimed, "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?"

There was instant tension between the two of them until he opened his mouth and sung, "I'm too sexy for my shirt." Natsu swung the shirt dramatically over his head before it flew and hit the wall with a thud. The boy smirked at the wall as if he had just issued a challenge to the people on the other side.

"You're an idiot." Lucy giggled setting the pillow down as he danced his way in an exaggerated manner to her, shaking his hips to an imaginary beat. She crawled to the edge of the bed swinging her legs down; eyes taking in his every movement. Momentarily, Lucy wondered if her hunger showed as she focused on his hands massaging his stomach, delectably slow, over those chiseled abs. Her heart began to flutter as her view shifted toward the v-line that was half hidden under his sagging waistline. She gulped when she thought about the slight bulge as he placed those same hands on her legs, moving to her knees. He leaned toward her, singing into her face the same words repeatedly. She wasn't sure at that moment if she wanted to sigh in delight or beat his ass for being ridiculous. Especially when he went into "break it down" mode with some extra flashy moves in front of her before crawling up her body, pretending to hump her.

"Is that the only part of the song you know?" Still chuckling, Lucy pushed his body away with her foot when he turned to straddle her. The blonde tried to cover the fact that her face was flushed from perverted thoughts. There was only so much torture a girl could take. She could think of a multitude of things the two could be doing at that moment - sleep being one. While sex was another.

He wouldn't let her push him away though.

Instead, Natsu gripped her leg, holding it in place with her foot pressed against his sternum. Pouting, he brushed his nose to her calve while complaining, "Lucy, for a show this good, you have to pay me. I'm on fire."

"Yea. Okay hotstuff," She wiggled her leg away from his grasp. "And if I had a couple of jewels I would stuff them into your boxers." The image of slipping money into his waist band was actually extremely hot in her head, but she was NOT going to mention that. "What is it with the men in the guild? Always stripping." Clearing her throat, Lucy crossed her arms and legs with a frown creating a subtle barrier between them. Her hope was to send a signal that she was untouchable.

"That's sooo sexist." Natsu fell on the bed beside her. Watching her from the blankets, he propped up on his elbows, "The women strip too."

"But we don't do it purposely. Well Erza does, but she's requiping."

"Actually, I wouldn't mind seeing you strip now."

"WHAT?"

"Since you didn't think I was sexy. It's time for your seduction skills, Lucy."

"Me?"

"Yep! Make me a strip tease Lucy. Chop-Chop!" Natsu clapped his hands to emphasize his order.

Stammering awkwardly, she whined, "Wwait! Natssuuu I never agreed to thisss."

"Make sure to put some sound effects in it so MetalPrick and IcePants 1.0 and 2.0 can hear."

The girl started to leap away, putting distance between them, so she could argue, but in a quick roll Natsu caught her, tugging her back. She was surprised there was no vapor trail across the bed, he was so fast. Her butt smacked down on his crotch as she fell backwards. She hoped she didn't squish anything valuable. While the back of her head hit his chin making her wince. Some of her hair going into his face because she heard him sputter and began spitting. He sat up pulling her into his lap. She drew her knees up as she waited to kick him.

"No" Lucy disagreed with his request. He was about to argue, but she laid her head on Natsu, bringing her arms around him, hoping the relaxed position would soothe him from tormenting her. Natsu was like a wild animal. All skittish until you showed them comfort then he would settle down. The two sat together in mutual silence for a few seconds. Of course, the moment was ruined when Natsu slapped her on her ass "Get up Lucy. It is time to work for your _daddy_."

She elbowed him in the face.

The two spent five minutes wrestling before Lucy finally sighed, telling Natsu to let her up because she would dance for him.

Rolling her eyes at his cries of glee, she tried to settle her nerves. Lucy decided to put their lacrimavision on some music that had a nice smooth beat.

Adrenaline hiking with a thudding heart beating in her ear, she felt strangely giddy walking back to the bed. The music flowing over her skin and into her soul. The celestial wizard did not want to do this but doing it for Natsu made her strangely energized. She started swinging her hips much like he had done earlier. Her heartbeat setting a fast tempo. The mage also could feel the competitiveness inside her wanting to actually make Natsu pop a boner. She shimmed her bottom, moving her arms in sync with the rhythm, while moving closer to him. At one point she bent over, shaking her cleavage at him.

Slowly, Lucy started to pull her shirt up to show a belly dance that she had been practicing for a bit with Cana and some other girls.

Then she stopped, thinking it was too obvious for her to pull her shirt off and well... she didn't have a bra on so... She pulled her pajama shorts down instead, rolling her hips then shimming the pair down before kicking the shorts off. Her top still went to her mid thigh, her pink panties only flashing slightly underneath if she moved her ass too much. Lucy could not bear to look at Natsu's reaction, shying away at the idea of him laughing at her. Instead she closed her eyes, trailing her hands over her body, using her memory of the room to maneuver toward him.

Natsu tried to do something, anything to keep his thoughts off the girl in front of him. But damn she was sexy, twirling and spinning, wearing only a shirt. He kept thinking about Makarov losing his speedo in the guild pool to keep blood from rushing to his both of his heads. If there ever was an imagine in his head that needed to be bleached, that was the one.

Lucy steadily crept closer to him.

Then she was there on his lap - sitting on him, grinding her check into his pelvic region. Basically giving him his first ever lap dance. Then she turned, straddling him. Her hands rub up his chest before circling his neck. Breathlessly, she blew out his name, "Natsuuu."

And…

He couldn't take it.

"Let's jump on the bed!" He pushed her off gently causing Lucy to stumble back.

"Why?" The girl cocked her face questioningly.

"It worked in Easy A." He grabbed her hand, pulling her up on the bed with him.

Lucy, still half naked, grabbed his shoulders, "Are you calling me easy?!"

"No it's a movie. There is a part they jump on the bed to make everyone think they are having sex."

"I have never seen it."

"What?! Where have you been all your life?"

Lucy did not miss a beat by saying tonelessly, "In a mansion where my father didn't allow me to watch lacrimavision.

"Oh," Natsu sighed as her words dampened the whole conversation. The girl shook off his hand, stepping back on the floor and collected her discarded pajama bottoms. He knelt down in a way that covered his half erection that was just starting to become obvious. If he could get her to go away, he would adjust himself to make it less noticeable.

Lucy frowned thoughtfully as she brushed a small blonde strand away from her shoulder. Natsu's eyes quickly drawn to the action, "I don't think we should think of this as trying to be sexy or trying to make noise. I think we should make it how we would have sex."

"What do you mean?" He noticed she had yet to put back on her pants. The boy torn between wanting them to stay off and wanting her to cover up more.

"If we were lovers, how would we do it? I think you would be _over-excited_ with aggression and minor randomness. But my problem is trying to figure out, why we would have sex in the first place."

"Why?" Natsu sputtered awkwardly. This was the **weirdest** conversation he had ever had.

"So let's think what would get us to have sex then go from there."

"You mean like a plot of a story? Cuz sex is totally meant to be mapped out in writing." Natsu joked but Lucy took him seriously, "Yes! And maybe I should have a story board as we plan."

Natsu sweated.

"But this is real life." He argued, pretty sure the idea was under the category of greatest ways of killing a boner.

"I know but life is a stage..." The celestial mage threw her arms up dramatically. "Ok let's put our thinking caps on..."

Lucy thought for a bit before proposing an idea, "Listen, you could always throw me off the team and I train to be stronger then come back to face you, and we have crazy sex. We could have an argument then start in on some crazy sex because our adrenaline is up?"

Natsu said seriously, "That would never work"

"Why not?"

"First of all, I would totally be OOC to throw you off the team..."

Lucy's inner voice was shocked that Natsu knew what the term "OOC" meant.

"Second why would you make this about getting stronger when you aren't actually going to fight but have sex? At least make the story more romantic and then have sex. Leave the fights for the fights. You don't need to be strong to have sex."

"Sound logic there Einstein" Lucy deadpan as the fire mage patted himself on the back.

"I got it!"

Excited, Lucy asked "Yea?!"

"We are traveling through the snow like we were today."

"Yea."

"You fall into a river."

"Yea?"

"We find a cave. You are freezing. I have to warm you up and then proceed to strip ourselves for body warmth and then have sex."

"Uh Natsu, we are in a hotel room. No cave. And why would I freeze? When you create literal fire? How would they even see any of that?"

Natsu's face fell. He said hopefully, "But you could still be cold? I will always warm you up."

"And that's another thing. You have fire magic? Why would we need to strip?"

"Fansevice" Natsu answered hesitantly eyeing the girls legs. They were very nice legs. All shaved and smooth. They probably would feel nice to rub. Or maybe to have them wrapped around his….

"Maybe we should simplify this. We want to have sex but we are both nervous about it. I am a virgin and you are asexual."

"Hey!"

"What do we do to make the other more into it? Neither of us is truly seductive and both of us are inexperienced."

"We have to get in the mood Lucy." His eyes twinkled before the pink haired boy randomly pounced on her. His face closed the gap to her own before making stupid expressions at her.

"What are you doing?" Lucy snickered, wondering if a few screws were missing from the boy's brain.

"Making you laugh."

"But laughter isn't something normally associated with sex. When was the last time a sex scene had laughter in it?"

"I dunno, but you are prettier when you smile. And I think sex with you would be more fun than sexy."

Lucy flushed brilliantly at the hidden meaning in the statement.

"And you are really cute when you blush." Natsu settled down on her, staring down into her eyes as their bodies pressed against one another. Lucy almost blanched at the serious look in his face. She asked breathlessly, "Natsu?"

He whispered into her ear, "I wonder... do you blush other places besides your face" His hands creeping under her arm to her sides. The sensation causing her to shiver until suddenly…

His fingers began to poke her ribs.

"Natsu! That tickles." She tried to fight but he had no mercy at all the while telling her to keep the laughter to a minimal. The bed springs buckling under their weight. She tried to claw his back and push but that just seemed to antagonize him more.

"Instead of laughing, Lucy. Moan for me."

He tickled her again and she bit back the laughter to a scream and a loud gasp. He nodded in approval. Natsu said louder this time, "I love your moan, Lucy. Do I make you cum?"

She whispered back, face even redder if that was possible. "You know you don't."

"But THEY don't know that."

"Why do I feel my reputation is being slowly destroyed? Eek!" She half sighed and half squealed as Natsu got a tender spot around her knee.

"Ahhh! Stop" Lucy gave a loud moan.

Natsu grinned giving her a thumbs up. The blonde started to pant for extra effect. Natsu then began to rock the bed, an evil grin on his face, as he began to explore more of Lucy's tickling weak spots.

"Natsu!"

* * *

Gajeel listened to the panting in the next room as he pounded away behind Levy. He froze before chuckling malevolently.

"So Salamander thinks this is a competition eh?"

He paused when he heard a light scream that seemed to be muffled out.

"But shrimps can scream louder than bunnies." Gajeel reached around to play at the apex of her legs before pinching the nub inside her folds. He also increased the pace as his body hit hers with resonating thumps he knew the Natsu could hear. It didn't take long before Levy shrieked as her body clenched around the iron dragon slayer.

He groaned, **"Beat that Salamander"**

* * *

In the other room, Juvia was sandwich between Gray and Lyon. The two men stopped their synchronized movements upon hearing the bumping and groaning in the next room.

"Is that Lucy?" Gray asked sweaty from his exertion.

Juvia groaned, "Why is Gray-sama mentioning love rival's name while he pleasures Juvia?"

Lyon whispers to her neck. Juvia's lips part slightly as his tongue skim her skin before kissing below her ear. Lyon purrs as he snaps his hips making her cry out, "Does that mean I am the best lover, Juvia? Since I am completely focused on pleasing you."

"Stop that." Gray hissed, slapping Lyon's shoulder as he continued to listen.

"I am worried about Lucy. She's not the type of girl to be doing this kind of stuff. Flame brain better not be making her do some perverted crap against her will. I will beat his ass then tell Erza and Mira and they will kill him."

Juvia gasped, tightening her legs around Gray's wasted as she pumped herself toward him. He swore as she stated, "She's probably with Natsu because she loves him."

The other ice mage began to start back as well even as Gray tried to get both to stop. He wanted to listen to what was happening in the room beside them.

Lyon huffed slightly annoyed, "I think they are too. I am not even in your guild but I can see the way Lucy observes Natsu, especially when he thinks she's not looking. And the two are sharing a room. They probably are having sex."

"I don't even think Flamebrain even knows how to use his dick much less pleasure a girl to make sounds like that."

About that time Lucy screamed, "Natsssuuuu Stop!"

The dark haired ice mage growled, "But if he's forcing her to do something, I will pound his miserable face into the mud." He pulled himself out, still not finished but ready to go see what was the matter. Juvia cried out as he disentangled himself from her legs. She immediately left Lyon to follow Gray.

Around that time the three heard a male voice shout "LUCY! YOU'RE AMAZING!"

Gray practically turned green as Juvia declared dreamily, "Love rival isn't a love rival anymore."

Lyon nodded in approval, "Looks like Natsu has finally tapped that. Was wondering how long it would take them. Now we can start back"

"Idiot. He better not think he is a better lover than me. Well I am all fired up! **You hear that Lava-Shit"**

* * *

"I accept both your challenges." Natsu yelled. "Besides, Basking Robbins, you letting Lyon do all the work?"

The white haired mage froze, "Ah shit! He knows I am here. Oh well, let me reply then." To Natsu he shouted, "Actually Gray is so small that I have to work twice as hard"

Juvia slapped Lyon, "That is untrue! Gray sama is very large and hits Juvia's G-spot just right"

Gajeel laughed, "Geehee I was under the impression Ice Prick's dick was the size of a tooth brush. If it was bigger, he would obviously have tapped Juvia long before now."

Natsu hooted and congratulating Gajeel on his insult before adding, "And not have help while doing the naughty.

Lyon mage rolled his eyes before asking "But wouldn't that mean he lacks balls?" causing both his partners to growled at Lyon.

Gajeel replied, "Those can be small too"

Making sounds of disgust, Lucy pressed her face against Natsu's side," I did not want to hear that. Please make it stop."

"Now Lucy, the fun is just starting." He kissed her temple causing mounting disappointment to rise up inside of her.

Gray then spoke in a deathly calm voice, "It's not about making your girl scream. Added conditions are having your girl do something that makes you scream."

"Conditions accepted." Natsu, Lyon, and Gajeel replied.

Lucy, Juvia, Levy all cried out, "Wait?!"

Juvia added, "How can Juvia make both these boys scream? Lyon will be easy but Gray will take some time."

Natsu and Gajeel shuddered at her question.

"Lucy here is about to give me head. Her mouth is scorching!" Natsu covered the girl's mouth before she could scream at him. Her eyes glared furiously as she rumbled trying to talk. When she seemed to calm down, he took away his hand hesitantly while she upper cutted his knocking him flat off the bed. He yelled, "Kinky babe."

Folding her arms, she complained quietly, "Natsu, you are making me sound like the biggest whore ever."

"Too bad for you guys, that Levy and Lucy just aren't…" Natsu started but was cut off by the Metal Eater.

"Baby you know I want you to suck me off but why don't you ride me instead. You know I like looking up at you as you take control." Gajeel moaned.

Levy was getting into it now. "I love you when you talk dirty to me."

Lucy mouthed that she was going to kill Natsu after she was done barfing. He blew her a kiss. The girl shrugged before saying, "I don't know if I can make you scream, Natsu. You always take the lead."

Natsu bit off a laugh at Lucy's innocent stare. Louder he said "I'm in your hands now, Luce."

Lucy and Natsu giggled at the implied "handjob" she was giving him as Natsu started moaning.

A hesitant knock came from the hall. "Oh excuse me! But the manager has received calls from this floor that your, uh, activities are too loud. Please keep them quieter."

Before Natsu could reply Lyon answered, "All of you! Shut up, we are going to get kicked out."

Gray and Natsu also agreed, promising to be quieter. Gajeel was silent until they heard a slap and a half-hearted "ok" from his end. The hotel worker seemingly was satisfied and left without another word.

"I don't know why Gray issued that challenge. He was first one to back out?" Natsu's words muffled into Lucy's hair.

"I don't mind. Natsu I'm tired. Let's stop," She mumbled slumping into the boy.

He glanced down with barely contained mirth.

"But Lucy" he murmured as he stroked thigh, still bare from her earlier strip dance, "We barely started."

"But it's hot in here with your natural body heat.

"You could always lose more clothes." He pointed out only to have her gently slap his cheek.

"As if, I am only in my panties and a shirt. There are no other clothes to lose. Plus it's time for sleep, not exercise. We have to be up in the morning for the scavenger hunt."

"What does that say about your endurance?"

"In a fight, I can do better!" The blonde irritably snapped, "But I'm not use to long burst of cardio unless I am running.

"Geez Lucy. Too many orgasms in one day, huh?" Natsu slapped her leg leaving a big red whelp causing her to hit him back.

"Natsu! That hurt!"

She heard Gajeel choking in the next room.

Natsu couldn't let that go, "Remember you missed Levy's hole earlier, Metal Face? Don't beat her to death with your dick." Lucy wanted to facepalm at Natsu bringing that up again.

"I won't miss your face the next time I see you." The burly man threatened.

"Nah, I'm not into dicks or guys giving blowjobs. So hit Gray's face instead. He seems to be into other males."

Lucy suppressed her face in her hands as Gray and Gajeel hurdled insults through the walls. Natsu merely ignored them. He leaned into pressing his lips against her ear, "You better be glad you never went at it with me. I don't think you could handle all this."

The blonde rolled her eyes. "Please. I could definitely take you."

"Oh really" Natsu smirked as he fell back so the two were sitting on the bed tangled up close to each other to whisper so Gajeel wouldn't hear.

"Yep," She grinned, "Well I know that you have not ever slept with anyone so you probably will get excited like the guy on the first American Pie movie and finish before you even start.

"What?!" A deeply insulted, Natsu began to get angry. He might be a virgin and normally dense and clueless about sex and women but there was a reason why his dragon slaying boner beat all the women in the stone age omake. He was Natsu Dragneel, Mashima's gift to women everywhere.

"Like you are the one to talk, Lucy. You are still a virgin too."

Natsu in serious mode said, "Honestly I think sex would be like a fight. You have to pace yourself to not wear yourself out. And like fighting a good battle. You have to attack and defend while you let the opponent throw their own a attacks."

The conversation was starting to turn Lucy on again as she thought about how battling Natsu in the sheets. He would end up pinning her down. She hoped he would be animalistic because the girl wanted to be dominated until she became more self aware. Plus she wanted to see Natsu as a sexy beast like he was in battles and not a goofy friend even though he had this idea of having "fun, laughing" sex with her. What even was that?

"I am not sure about that but I could sort of see how that would work."

"I look at it as a dance." Lucy admitted. Natsu seemed taken aback before blurting out, "A dance? Really?" He snickered before Lucy slapped his arm, "Well yea. Stop laughing. You are close to another person. Your movements are coordinated and you get sweaty plus you have to keep the pace." She added the last while blushing.

He shook his head. "Wow! I never knew that there was someone more clueless than me about sex."

"It's romantic!"

"Lucy no. No, it's not. Unless you get off by watching Dancing with the Stars."

"I mean it's just from my research from all the books that I read on the subject. And that is the closest parallel I can make."

"Lucy Heartfilia, are you telling me you read smut books?" Natsu poked her side causing her to giggle before she fought away his hand and he pulled her under him, trapping her arms between his and using her breasts as a pillow.

"Maybe I do. What of if? Only because Levy and Erza give them to me."

"Well Levy is destined to be pregnant before twenty and Erza got that seduction armor of hers when Jellal was in prison so I don't know what she is doing in her spare time. But you… 'little miss proper' who kicks and slaps me all the time for being perverted actually has a dirty mind?"

Lucy poked her cheeks out, "Well I am only human. Maybe sometimes I want to be held and kissed. And experience things I never experienced before. Plus feel the passion of someone make love to me." Lucy turned her head to stare at the wall as she admitted her deepest secret. She couldn't bear to see his face but he lifted up his hand, cupping her chin.

Turning her head toward his, and while brushing a thumb over her bottom lip making her whole body light up, he said, "You don't need to make sex this enigma that grows in your head until you jump some poor man on the streets."

Shooting daggers at him with her eyes, she gritted through clenched teeth, "I wouldn't just sleep with anyone off the street!"

"But you don't have a boyfriend. Isn't Aquarius always riding you about that? Why don't you try getting one."

"Why would I try getting a boyfriend when I have y..." Lucy squealed when she almost let out a secret that she guarded with her life.

"Have what Lucy?"

"Never mind." Lucy rolled over as Natsu began prodding her back. The competition with Gajeel ad Gray long forgotten.

"But Lussshiiii" He bleated like a baby sheep. "I really want to know." He chomped a bite out of her neck, causing her to laugh.

"You aren't Mest Gryder." Lucy slapped him playfully as she stopped herself from moaning when he didn't' move. Instead his tongue ran down to her shoulder, lapping at her collar bone. She actually liked his mouth on her neck. He then began to nibble away at her shirt. Her legs felt unused and wanted to move up his legs since there were no barriers between them besides his boxers and her panties. Why did he always have to play so physical with her? He only meant friendship but he always made her body sing with his touches.

"Well if I was Mest, then I wouldn't be here with you but teleporting to the closest junior high school to hit up some twelve-year-old."

Lucy sweated, "Natsu... That's actually. Not funny. And kind of creepy."

"Ooops sorry." Natsu apologized before wrapping his arm around Lucy and pulling her toward him. "But I still want to know what you were going to say."

Buried in his heat, Lucy almost answered before saying, "Nope. Nothing."

He began to pull up her shirt before leaning down to suck on her stomach, licking the area around her belly button before darting inside.

"But Lucy. What can I do to make you tell?"

"Uh nothing." She felt his fingers began to play with her hips.

"Why don't you leave the seduction skills at home. You are horrible at them." Lucy was proud that she managed to say it without stuttering as his face began to nuzzle he bottom of her shirt upwards. Her breasts began to harden at the thought of his face coming nearer.

"I think I can be good at it." Natsu raised up, hovering over her face.

"IS that so?"

"Because I AM seducing you Lucy.""

"You have an overestimated opinon of yourself." But he didn't reply. Instead he started doing things to her with a raised eyebrow as if testing her words. Damn, why did he get smart? She had that one thought slip as he brushed his lips over hers in a light feathered kiss."Wh-why did you do that?"

"Because I want you to say it."

"Say what?"

"Admit it Lucy. You wanted to say 'you' as in 'me.'"

It wouldn't hurt to admit part of the truth? Would it? "Yes Natsu. I was going to say you. I don't need a boyfriend when I have you. Happy? Cuz a boyfriend would probably steal my time from being with you. That's it."

"Are you sure?" He nibbled on her ear before his tongue darted out to trace the grooves before taking a lobe in his mouth.

"That's hardly hygienic"

"Sex isn't a clean task, Lucy." He put his weigh on knee between her legs, slowly moving them apart to put his other leg there too. He rubbed against her triggering a blissful sigh. "It's dirty, hot sweaty, gritty, sticky, and can be painful." His smoldering eyes with the enlarged pupil caught her unaware. Her hands only managed to weakly press against his chest.

"But it can also be fun, exciting, pleasurable…" Natsu lips sought hers aggressively. And Lucy melted into her first kiss…

* * *

Ten minutest later...

Gray kicked Lyon on of the room. "Now our time is over friend. Get out. Juvia's body is mind and you were merely a means to an end."

"But Gray!" Lyon yelled standing bare ass naked in the hallway. "I want to stay too."

Gajeel lay with Levy in his arms. "I think your voice was definitely the loudest, shrimp."

While Natsu stopped kissing Lucy, whose shirt was now off, to glare toward Gajeel's room. "Please, MetalFace, Lucy was soo much louder than Juvia and Levy and we weren't even trying."

"Not aga…" The celestial mage started to grumble but was cut off.

"Erza!" A man screamed from the top floor, ricocheting down through the whole hotel.

Gajeel, Natsu, Gray all shuddered.

"Is that...?" Gajeel asked in a horrified whisper.

"...Jellal" Natsu answered with a puke.

Gray dropped Juvia before hacking a cough. He dragged her to bed and throwing covers around them. He didn't need dragon slaying hearing to know that it was time to go to bed.

"I think Jellal is louder than you or Lucy." Gajeel told Levy.

Natsu hurried to turn the light off. "Lucy, I think my boner was just killed."

"Wait. But we haven't done anything." She said covering her breasts as she began to feel embarrassed.

"We can just say, _Erza_ won that round. And try again another day." He gave her a quick peck on the cheek before rolling over to sleep leaving a fuming Lucy.

Gajeel and Gray sleepily agreed before they held their girls.

Lucy's last thoughts before nodding off to sleep, snuggling into Natsu's side with his arm wrapped around her, were "So Erza and Jellal are here too? I wonder where Kagura is since she was Erza's partner?" Lucy asked. "Wait? Are they having a threesome too."

Natsu listened then shook his head. "Doesn't sound like it. Kagura is probably busy somewhere else."

* * *

In the hotel coffee shop, Pantherlily, Elfman, Freed, and Kagura sat around a table drinking midnight expresso when Lyon streaked in flashing everyone with his manhood.

Kagura flashed her sword at him, "Have some decency to put on some clothes."

Freed also unsheathed his looked him over without saying anything.

"It takes a real man to be naked in public." Eflman declared as Lyon took a swig of coffee before saying "I need something a lot stronger."

"Wait? Why are you here?" The Lamina scale mage eyed the two men. He knew that Erza and Jellal were using a room at the hotel, but had not seen Elfman and Freed with anyone.

Freed shrugged, "Laxus and Mira ditched us."

"So they are in this hotel too?"

"Not exactly." Eflman replied, hiding his face as he wept.

Nestled in the forest at the base of two mountains miles from the hotel was a lone cabin.

Inside Laxus and Mirajane lay on the floor, covered in furs. It was intimate and _private_. The dancing flames from the fire reflected in Mira's blue eyes causing Laxus to sigh in peace before promptly falling asleep.

* * *

" _And that kiddies is why you go the extra mile and rent a cabin_." Gildarts finished his story as Natsu, Lucy, Juvia, Erza, Levy, Gray, Elfman, and Gajeel stared with varying degrees of shock, horror, and dismay.

Laxus, on the other hand, was laughing his ass off. "Oi, old man this story is perfect," He smirked before adding, "One problem with the characters old man. You have Mira there but really Cana and Lisanna should have been there on that floor too."

Gildarts eyes flashed before threatening, "Dreyar, I will kill you."

Elfman stared sadly at his drink, "Evergreen wasn't in the story. Now how will I become a real man?"

* * *

 **AN: I am sorry**

 **AN2: Actually, I am _not_. **

**AN3: Hope you enjoyed it though and it made you laugh.**

 **AN4: My plan was always to only give Natsu and Lucy a kiss while everyone else got to have sex. Even Lyon and Juvia. Cock-blocking refers to their plan to cock block the others. Boner-killing refers to Nalu themselves getting cock blocked after Gruvion and Gajevy are finished when Natsu hears Jellal and Erza having sex. Cock-blocking the audience in a story about clock-blocking. I'm so bad for that. But then I take it a step further and have the whole thing actually be a story so really, nobody got laid.**

 **AN5: The idea came from my one shot a while back where Gajevy, Nalu, and Gruvia had a sex competition and randomly they would hear Jellal screaming… everyone should know at this point that Erza would win. Even if she wasn't originally in the competition.**

 **AN6: Mira and Laxus having sex at a cabin was the original ending with Laxus saying "kiddies that's why you go the extra mile and rent a cabin." But Laxus isn't psychic plus I wanted to add Cana and Lisanna to this harem of his. Thus I made the Gildarts ending.**

 **Peace out!**


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